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I
hate the Oscars. The cavalcade of relentless insider boosterism, and their
current contribution to the defanging of Steve Martin make me dislike the big
show with a kind of fury heretofore unknown to public life. And yet: Mr. Smith has requested my
participation in his cinematic celebration by authoring my "picks" for the
Oscars. So, here they are. Bear in mind that, like the real Academy, I choose my
selections through vindictiveness, jealousy, caprice and, in at least once
instance, total random choice. Should be all right.
ACTOR -- LEADING
Javier Bardem - BEFORE NIGHT FALLS Bardem is a fine actor in a movie that got good notices. However, he does not speak much English, and his movie is about a gay person. For some reason, these things are ``controversial'' in Hollywood and will relegate Mr. Bardem to the Ghetto of the Actually Talented and Interesting. Russell Crowe - GLADIATOR Russell Crowe is a homebreaker, prone to
fights and lives among wild animals in the outback of Australia. He is a
sociopath monster who mysteriously has become America's Favorite Aussie over the
kinder, more genteel and less
gravelly Guy Pearce. In a civilized nation such as ours, he has no place. Most
definitely, he should not win our awards. Tom Hanks - CAST AWAY Tom Hanks just used to commit crimes
against humanity. Take, for example, the sanctimonious liberal-guilt assuager
Philadelphia or the cryptofascist date-night classic Forrest Gump. However, with
the cretinous Cast Away, a movie so bad that the very thought of it casts me
into a Kierkegardian despond, Hanks has outdone himself. Despite his noble
efforts to promote NASA in the public imagination, Tom Hanks now is a crime
against humanity. Also: All extant copies of "That Thing You Do" should be burnt
publicly. Ed Harris - POLLOCK This may be a good film. It is, however,
a biography about the times and torments of a tortured artist at the hands of
the fickle public, which is not exactly the sort of story that has never been
told before. Additionally, Ed Harris is a frightening man, and the thought of
him giving a speech on national television is a little too much for me to
bear. Geoffrey Rush - QUILLS To describe how much I resent Geoffrey
Rush and his scenery-chewing maw for Shine, I would probably need charts and
graphs. I have neither. No award.
ACTOR -- SUPPORTING
Jeff Bridges - THE CONTENDER For many years, I thought Bill Pullman
was just the poor man's Jeff Bridges. Imagine my discovery that, in fact, it is
the other way around. In fact, Beau Bridges is the poor man's Jeff
Bridges. Willem Dafoe - SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE Willem Dafoe is the poor man's
Christopher Walken, and yet he gets much better roles. There is no
justice. Benicio Del Toro - TRAFFIC Benicio Del Toro is a fine young actor
who will most likely have a long and distinguished career. Unless he wins an
Oscar this time out and hipsters turn on him for selling out. Though he deserves
it, we should all burn candles to our
respective deities that Benny gets nowhere near the little gold man. Something
to chew on: Michael Douglas probably demanded the Leading Actor slot for
Traffic, the sleazy, egotistical fuck. Too bad "Wonder Boys" was actually
okay. Albert Finney - ERIN BROCKOVICH I like Albert Finney. I liked Erin
Brockovich. I like Julia Roberts' svelte form. I appreciate the fact that at
least four hit films this year took up important issues of gender equality.
Also, Finney has put in plenty of time in the supporting-actor trenches, and is
actually capable of credible accent modification. If anybody else gets the
award, I will make them (and you) pay. Joaquin Phoenix - GLADIATOR What the hell is up with Joaquin's lip?
If he doesn't get roles where he does something other than flounce and lisp,
he'll end up our generation's John Hurt and have to play androids later in life.
Moreover, speaking of cryptofascism,
Gladiator was raving, amoral, exploitative tripe, and did not include the rhino
fight I hoped for. Ridley Scott deserves whatever karmic comeuppance he has due
him, regardless of what certain pomo-lit has-beens have to
say.
ACTRESS -
LEADING Joan Allen - THE CONTENDER Joan Allen is a fine actress. Her film,
which I projected, was astonishingly bad, overheated Clintonite apologia. Though
I agree with the film in principle, I also think that painting our enemies on
the right as cigar-chomping right-wing baddies out of the Old West is bound to
backfire. Juliette Binoche - CHOCOLAT Juliette Binoche is the most beautiful
woman alive. I still had no interest in seeing this film.
Ellen Burstyn - REQUIEM FOR A DREAM See Albert Finney. Requiem made my head
hurt, but I still Found Burstyn moving and affecting in a way Jared Leto can
only dream about when he's batting those zillion-dollar
eyelashes. Laura Linney - YOU CAN COUNT ON ME Did not see this. ``Touching family
drama,'' apparently. Pass. Julia Roberts - ERIN BROCKOVICH Doesn't she do this sassy, tough, but
not-unfeeling woman of the earth act in her sleep? Fun flick, but not really a
Wellesian tour-de-force on her part.
ACTRESS -- SUPPORTING
Judi Dench - CHOCOLAT I didn't like Shakespeare in Love, don't
really see this woman's appeal and found Chocolat too offensive in principle to
even think about. No awards for that film. Ever. Marcia Gay Harden - POLLOCK Long-suffering wife of a tortured,
semi-abusive painter? Not only is the continued existence of this type of role,
usually without other shading or complexity, offensive to talented actresses the
world over, it is boring. Though MGH
is a fine actor in her own right, I protest this continued affront to thinking
people everywhere by granting her nothing. Kate Hudson - ALMOST FAMOUS Kate Hudson is slated to marry
whatshisname hippy dude from the Black Crowes. She also got blown off the screen
by that ephebe of a rock critic. Nose-scrunching and crying jags do not talent
make. Yawn. Frances McDormand - ALMOST FAMOUS By way of contrast: Frances McDormand
rules. She should be President of the Academy, the Nobel Committee and, hell,
the U.S. of A. Instead, she will probably get passed over for this, and I will
cry myself to sleep. Julie Walters - BILLY ELLIOT I looked Julie Walters up and found out
she plays a dance teacher whose ``passion'' for ``dance'' is ``reignited'' by
the young upstart boy in her class. I bet she cries at the climactic recital,
which I am sure occurs.
Boring
ART DIRECTION CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS GLADIATOR QUILLS VATEL I don't really know what art direction
entails, frankly. I am given to understand most of Gladiator was done on a
computer, and the other movies don't look so hot either. Tiger, Dragon was
pretty. They get it.
CINEMATOGRAPHY CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON GLADIATOR MALNA O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? THE PATRIOT The Coen Brothers will not win anything.
I thus decree O Brother must win this.
COSTUME DESIGN CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS GLADIATOR 102 DALMATIANS QUILLS Point of fact: Michelle Yeoh is fly,
homes. This has nothing to do with costume design, but that shifty white
undergarment deal she wears works. The responsible party must receive this
award.
DIRECTING BILLY ELLIOT CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON ERIN BROCKOVICH GLADIATOR TRAFFIC Steven Soderbergh deserves this award.
Not for these two films, mind you, but for, for the stellar work he's done in
the past few years. Ang Lee's time will come.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE INTO THE ARMS OF STRANGERS: STORIES OF THE KINDERTRANSPORT LEGACY LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY SCOTTSBORO: AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY SOUND AND FURY I dunno, having not seen a one of these
films. I like Long Night's title, though.
DOCUMENTARY SHORT BIG MAMA CURTAIN CALL DOLPHINS THE MAN ON LINCOLN'S NOSE ON TIPTOE: GENTLE STEPS TO
FREEDOM For a second, I thought Big Mama was the
Martin Lawrence Vehicle of the same name. Whew. They get the award for that
relief alone.
FILM EDITING ALMOST FAMOUS CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON GLADIATOR TRAFFIC WONDER BOYS The special segment of this article
entitled ``Elements of Filmmaking Sam Doesn't Know Thing One About.'' For what
it's worth, Crouching Tiger was briskly paced, I thought.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM AMORES PERROS CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON DIVIDED WE FALL EVERYBODY FAMOUS! THE TASTE OF
OTHERS Wow. These are some titles. Crouching
Tiger will win, if only because it might prove the point to certain Visigoths
that foreign film is not necessarily artsy-fartsy twaddle.
MAKEUP THE CELL DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE
Shadow of the Vampire, purely because it
was a good movie (unlike the other two entrants) and Willem Dafoe looked
scary.
MUSIC (SCORE) CHOCOLAT CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON GLADIATOR MALNA THE PATRIOT I know this guy named Mike Robinson who
listens to Gladiator's soundtrack constantly. He's a good guy, even though he
liked Gladiator, and to appease him, I will give the award to the film of his
choice.
MUSIC (SONG) CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON DANCER IN THE DARK THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE MEET THE PARENTS WONDER BOYS There was, like, a single in Crouching Tiger? Whatever. Give it to Meet the Parents,. Randy Newman's been the bridesmaid too
long.
BEST PICTURE CHOCOLAT CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON ERIN BROCKOVICH GLADIATOR TRAFFIC On every level, I enjoyed Crouching
Tiger, an accessible, politically and culturally savvy, moving and exciting
adventure film that everybody could like. I hereby address the filmmaking
public: More, please.
SHORT -- ANIMATED FATHER AND DAUGHTER THE PERIWIG-MAKER REJECTED The name of this category conjures images
of very excitable dwarves or children, which makes me look upon it fondly. I
have not seen any of these films save one. Thus, going by my rubric for such
phenomena, I will declare the one I saw, Rejected, the winner. Though any movie
called The Periwig-Maker is aces in my book.
SHORT -- LIVE ACTION BY COURIER ONE DAY CROSSING QUIERO SER (I WANT TO BE...) SERAGLIO A SOCCER STORY (UMA HISTORIA DE
FUTEBOL) Short films. Whatever. Soccer is still an
underrated sport in these United States, so we'll go with A Soccer Story, I
guess.
SOUND CAST AWAY GLADIATOR THE PATRIOT THE PERFECT STORM U-571 Ah, yes. More areas of film about which I
know literally nothing. Having closed my eyes and stabbed my index finger at the
screen, I predict with certainty that The Perfect Storm will win this
award.
SOUND EDITING SPACE COWBOYS U-571 Why there are only two nominees in this
category, I do not know. Surely, other films edited sound well. Not that I'd
know if they did, of course. Anyway, Space Cowboys featured naked old guys,
andU-571 featured Jon Bon Jovi. Talk about your lesser-of-two-evils-type
situations. I say, Bon Jovi and Donald Sutherland arm-wrestle for it.
VISUAL EFFECTS GLADIATOR HOLLOW MAN THE PERFECT
STORM You know that scene in Hollow Man where
the invisible ape Eats the mouse? That was freaky, dude. Everything in Gladiator
looked fake to me, even though all the shots they stole from Triumph of
The Will looked way realistic in the
original. And, well, Mark Wahlberg demonstrated the best special effect of his
career years ago. Bacon gets it, the slime.
WRITING (ADAPTED) CHOCOLAT CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? TRAFFIC WONDER
BOYS "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" is an
adaption? Oh, right. The Odessey. Or maybe Sullivan's Travels. Had any important
Hollywood figures actually read a book in their lives, they would recognize how
loose an adaption it is. Let me suggest this: a category called "Best Screenplay
(Deconstructed)." One of these days, I'll make a movie about a bunch of women
who live on a farm and run drugs to protect their land from an evil landlord or
something, but I'll put "Based on Homo Faber by Max Frisch" in the credits and
watch the acclaim come in. Of course, everyone will think the movie is foreign,
so no Oscars for me. But enough grousing: Wonder Boys was really, really
well-written. Further, as the only openly literary work available for voting
this year, I must pass the laurel its way. Though, as I mentioned before,
Michael Douglas is a sleazy fuck. Say it with me: Sleazy.
Fuck.
WRITING (ORIGINAL) ALMOST FAMOUS BILLY ELLIOT ERIN BROCKOVICH GLADIATOR YOU CAN COUNT ON
ME I assume the use of the word "original"
here is used in only the most literal fashion possible, not to denote, like,
originality. Lesse: three of these films are based on real-life events; one is a
naturalistic Family drama; and one is cryptofascist, derivative slog. As a
critic, I am union-bound to vote for Almost Famous, if only for its frank expose
of the intermittent use of guest-list requests. Sam Eccleston writes reviews for
http://pitchforkmedia.com Pitchfork and http://chicagomaroon.com The Chicago Maroon. If so moved, for some
inscrutable reason, you can reach him at sam@pitchforkmedia.com. He embraces swearing as a valid form of
American colloquial statement, and hates the designated-hitter
rule. Many of these are available on DVD.
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